Read this at Seven Deadly Sins last night, hosted by Angela Vela.
After, Tadd said, “That made no sense.” A woman I don’t know came up to me, said she liked it, then compared it to George Saunders.
Hello. I am Mr. Sexy Teeth.
Please! Tell me about your sexy teeth.
Well. They are sexy! They have breasts, but that is just one of the reasons they are sexy. Or should I say…. that is just TWO of the reasons they are sexy?
Could you please read me some of the Yelp reviews your teeth have received?
Yelp Review From user: Mr. SexyTeeth For Mr. SexyTeeth’s Sexy BreastsTeeth
I have had my BreastsTeeth on several occasions and let me assure you they are both supple and free of plaque.
I’m not going to lie: I grind my SexyTeeth in my sleep.
Damage is prevented by the tiniest people living in my mouth. I imagine the blood spewing from my gums when I floss is born from the tiniest people getting in the way. I’ve thought about thinking I should feel bad about their deaths, but with no one to judge me for killing a tiniest person here, a tiniest person there, I’m reticent to actually take responsibility for my actions.
During the quietest moments of the darkest winters as I lay in bed, I think I can hear the tiniest people chit chatting. But then I realize that’s just the electronic voice coming from the drive thru at the Popeye’s down the street.
See my breaststeeth: opened wide and penetrating a Popeye’s chicken thigh.
Have you tried their new waffle chicken? I have. It is literally the only time I’ve ever compared a restaurant experience to someone wearing dead-grandpa’s face-skin and cooing “Grandpa needs a kiss” before placing dead-grandpa’s face-lips on yours.
You’ll have to go to the yelp page for the Popeye’s at California and Diversey to read the rest of my Waffle Chicken review.
Yes, it’s true that on occasion I wish I were a tiniest person. They live to cushion the blows my top teeth and bottom teeth throw at each other and that’s all. A singular purpose, even one which has such a high fatality rate, seems romantic to me.
The tiniest people, unlike me, don’t have to worry about their smile
Don’t have to worry, that they might forget to smile wide enough, meaning strangers won’t comment on their breasts-teeth on the street.
They don’t have to worry they’re not exposing enough of their busty pearly whites as they succulently and sexily use their teeth to tear open a bag of flaming hot Cheetos, or wash a Mercedes, sponge in mouth, while appearing in the latest Def Leppard music video and/or helping to raise funds for the local Youth Dance Awareness Record Store that’s being threatened by an oil tycoon.
"The man" wins if these SexyTeeth aren’t sexy enough.
The tiniest people don’t have to worry that someone hasn’t screamed at you on the street, saying, “HEY BREASTS-TEETH, YA GOT SOME NICE BREASTS-TEETH,” on any given day.
The tiniest people don’t even have to worry that someone might forget to call you a piece of fucking shit, after you don’t respond to their unsolicited yet obviously welcome compliments.
I know I’m doing my job when they call me a fucking piece of shit.
You’re no one if no one doesn’t want to own you.
Honestly. Sometimes the attention is a little much. Not that I want random strangers to stop being crude about my Mr. SexyBreastsTeeth. I obviously want strangers to keep acting as if my SexyTeeth are theirs – people obviously have the right to take ownership of my teeth.
No, it’s the people who are clearly jealous of the attention I get.
Those regular teethed mother fuckers.
They think just because they don’t got it goin’ on in their mouth, means they can tell me what strangers are and aren’t allowed to scream at me on the street.
Who are these people?
In a perfect world, a man would be able to walk down the street getting all the attention he wants for his SexyTeeth without being judged for enjoying the attention.
Anyway, Mr. SexyTeeth’s breasts-teeth are a super A+ cool teeth feel good time.
I give them “four dead movie reviewer thumbs up.”